YOU WILL…


Even though you sat with him almost every night.. U will feel guilty.. for what.. for everything.. for nothing at all.. u will think about what more you could have done.. or what less.. when people call you will be patient.. and for some you will be angry.. and through it all you will be lost.. all the small and big things in your life will lose their worth.. and at the same time it will all take on a deeper and more profound meaning.. you will want to scream and cry and pray and all of it.. you will want to never speak again.. you will believe and not believe in God or whatever it is that you were once taught to believe in… you will have to guide your child through this.. ritualize the passing with love and light and hope.. even if you have lost all of these things for a while.. You will rethink your life choices.. they will return the favor and rethink you.. you will laugh at inoppurtunne moments and cry at… inopportune moments… you will curse somebody out who doesnt deserve it and maybe smile with someone who deserves a bit of rage… you will float high above it all while drowning in all of it… you will be prone to run away from all responsibilities and also want to take on all responsibilities… You will sit still thinking that maybe you will never move again.. and if you move what does it matter.. you will realize how blessed you were to be with him during these last few years of life.. how miraculous that the two of you found each other again.. because many black fathers and sons lose each other forever.. but you two sought each out and travelled through all the endless stories of memory and pain.. and this time.. neither of you turned away… and you fed each other and loved each other.. and not because you had to, but because you both chose to… You met your father through the stories of his childhood that came to you in all the songs he played for you and all the meals he cooked for you.. and he met you in all the times you came to sit with him and be still with him and be present with him.. and you loved him in all the times he smiled when he saw you at his beside.. and he loved you in all the times you moved his legs for him or fed him or combed his hair for him… 

And now you are remembering how every one keeps saying you will never be the same again.. which is funny.. really.. because you don’t even remember the man you were before you and your father fame back to each other… that young man changed many times before your father died.. 

Changed so much so that you are not even sure if the man who started this post is the same one reading it right now.. 

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One comment

  • What a moving post. So glad that you got to know your father and be there for each other.

    Like

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